Last week, Lanna Anderson discussed how our struggles with body image give up ground to the Enemy. This week, Lanna follows up her first post by conducting an interview with her mom, Janna, who shares about her own personal struggle with body-image and her journey from bondage to freedom.

Describe your daily life when you were trapped by body image.

Janna: Daily life with body-image issues is no life at all. Everything was strict and regimented. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, my thoughts would immediately go to my weight.

My first order of business after waking up was to step on the scale. Not just once but many times, always pulling off all my clothes and moving the scale to different places on the bathroom floor to see if the number would fluctuate at all. That number would either bring huge relief, giving me energy for the day, or complete disappointment, hanging a black cloud over my head.

If the number was acceptable, I knew just how much to eat to maintain. If it were not, it would mean I had failed, and that was completely unacceptable. I would weigh myself multiple times a day on the days when the number was anything more than what I wanted to see. If the number went down, the nagging inside would quiet for a while.

From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, my thoughts would immediately go to my weight.

I really didn’t enjoy food at all. I enjoyed cooking for my family, but I would never sit down to a meal. I saw food as good for my family’s health, but did not make that connection for my own health. If I did eat it would be on a small salad plate, so my portions would be controlled. Everything I ate was carefully calculated and measured, and one extra bite beyond what was “allowed” would have to be spit out. I had a small list of “safe foods,” ones where I knew exactly how much I could eat without gaining an ounce of weight.

I went to bed hungry every night, knowing that if I would go to sleep the hunger pangs would cease and I would be rewarded in the morning when I stepped on the scale.

The issue was not only my weight, but my overall appearance as well. I needed to feel good about myself. My rationale was that it wasn’t for anyone else, just for me. What was wrong with doing something to feel better about myself? So I bought the most fashionable clothes, had the acrylic French manicure, and even resorted to Botox for those lines in my forehead and crows feet around my eyes. It didn’t matter how much money I spent or how many bruises I had all over my face—the outcome seemed worth it.

I didn’t enjoy food at all… one extra bite beyond what was “allowed” had to be spit out.

Looking back on it now, I wish I could say I was disgusted by how I looked. But truthfully, I loved being small. I loved shopping, wearing small sizes, seeing my reflection in mirrors, and knowing I was finally winning. But winning at what?

I wasn’t really sure. People would say things like, “Wow, you’ve had two kids? Good job!” or, “Oh, you are so tiny, how lucky!” They knew nothing of the battle going on in my mind.

Internally, I would hear the screeching accusations: “You loser, you are fat, you will never be beautiful enough. You will never be noticed, you will never be loved.” I didn’t know it then, but that was the Enemy’s voice doing everything he could to keep me in my bondage.

Unfortunately, I allowed him a great deal of success. I mistreated my body to the point that I was skin and bones, with a feeding tube hanging in my nose because I wouldn’t eat the food my body needed. And the horrifying truth is that even then, I still didn’t feel thin enough. 

What “solutions” did you try?

Janna: Media plays a huge role in the mind of the woman with body image issues. She yearns to be loved and accepted, and media tells her how she can. The message is everywhere—it comes from magazines, advertisements, websites, billboards, and even sports teams—“the young and beautiful are the valuable ones.”

People knew nothing of the battle going on in my mind.

I tried many different solutions to understand my twisted view of food and its relation to my body: Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, medication, counseling, support groups, inpatient treatment, nutritional counseling, online support groups, and food journaling. Eventually I did regain weight and became physically healthy again. I was deemed “medically cured.” But the war in my heart was still raging, because I hadn’t changed inside. 

What “solution” actually worked?

Janna: The first time someone said my preoccupation with body image was sin, I was enraged. I was confronted with the self-centeredness, the self-worship of it all, and it sounded like overkill. Don’t all women worry about their bodies and their appearance? Isn’t it just something all women struggle with?

It took a few more years of battling and denying I was trapped before I named my sin. Instead of living for God and his glory, I had been living for my own. I had made idols of my body, the scale, and the love and approval of others. But all I had to show for my efforts were loneliness, fractured relationships, emptiness, and complete lack of joy.

By God’s grace, I confessed my sin and repented. I stopped making excuses and blaming others. I went to those I had hurt and sought forgiveness. Where I had listened to lies, I now listened to God and worshiped him instead. I no longer see my body as a reflection of my value, but rather a vessel to be used by God for his purposes.

Instead of living for God and his glory, I had been living for my own.

God also gave me specific convictions about how to continue to walk in repentance. I haven’t owned a scale for over ten years. I don’t go to gyms because they are too great a temptation for me to start comparing again. Instead I exercise with my husband and my friends in ways that are helpful to me and don’t expose myself to temptation. And I am very discerning about my media consumption, carefully weighing if a website, television show, or movie will lead me into temptation. My husband and I do not even allow certain magazines or catalogs into our home.

Where has joy returned to your life?

Janna: My life today is nothing short of miraculous. I finally, truly believe that I am loved by my Father. I am his precious daughter, and he loves me no matter what. I do not view myself with a critical eye, but rather as a child of God. I actually truly believe that who I am in Jesus Christ is all I will ever need. I am able to live life free of bondage and slavery, putting to death the war and torment because Jesus already took all of my pain, shame, sin, and torment on himself.

I finally, truly believe that I am loved by my Father.

I’m not saying that I never struggle or have those thoughts. When I do, I call it what it is, expose it to the light, and turn to Jesus because he is my help and my salvation. I no longer use people for their approval now, but am actually free to love them. I enjoy going out to eat with my family and have complete freedom from the war and torment that used to rage in my mind. The destructive, running dialogue is gone. I finally feel like I’m actually living life rather than being a tormented spectator.

If I can leave you with one thing, it is this. Our Heavenly Father’s heart breaks to see his daughters in bondage over their body image. But you must be honest about the state of your heart. If you struggle with, are preoccupied with, or worry about your appearance, it is sin. Jesus already sees it and wants you to trust that his death, burial, and resurrection broke the chains of bondage. So let go of them. Look to your Father and believe in his great, unbreakable love for you. There truly is freedom in Christ.
 

Join Mars Hill Church Bellevue on Saturday, October 19 for IMAGE: A Theology of Beauty, where together they will explore the themes of beauty corrupted, redeemed, and restored.