Chapter 7

Protecting From Sin and Folly

In addition to discipline for sin, a father is to provide protection from sin for his children. This is particularly true of sexual sin, from molestation when they are little to fornication and date rape when they are older. Deuteronomy 22 tells a particularly sobering story for fathers: a young woman is married to a man who claims that she was not a virgin on their wedding night, and so he wants a divorce. Basically a judicial court hearing is held, the woman and her husband are brought in, and they need someone to testify as to the condition of her sexual history. Her father is brought in as the expert witness because he knows her best, loves her most, and has protected her to the degree that he can ensure the court that she has not been with another man. Today that kind of father would be labeled as unloving and overly protective, because the fools are winning.

One of the dumbest conversations I've ever had on this topic was with a pastor. He asked me to pray for his teenage daughter, who claimed to be a Christian but was dating and having sex with a non-Christian teenage boy. I asked him what specifically I should pray for—that God would give him a steady trigger finger? He told me that he had never told her not to have sex because she was an adult, and he did not want to pry into her personal life. I told the man that I would not pray that God would give his daughter wisdom, because God had already given that wisdom to her father, who did not lovingly dispense it to his daughter, and that he was a wicked man who apparently hated his daughter and was a coward unfit for the pastorate. Any man who allows his daughter to sin and be sinned against in the name of loving her knows little of God's love.

Deuteronomy 22 also tells the story of a girl who commits adultery with a married man, and she is sentenced to death by stoning. They put her to death on the steps of her father's home, because she is his responsibility and he has failed in his duties to lovingly instruct, correct, and protect her. Dads are supposed to know that their blossoming daughters are often the objects of lust for sinful men, and unless they stand between their daughters and men, the men will use them for sexual sin, even telling these vulnerable young women that they love them if it helps soften them up for sin. Daddies with daughters who are boy crazy and flirtatious have to labor even more diligently to oversee the purity of their daughters.

I can still recall one occasion when I was doing a wedding in the California Napa Valley. Before the wedding, I took some time to take my daughter Ashley on a shoeless walk through the vineyards as I was dressed in my suit and she was looking cute in a dress. She was nearly three years old at the time and as we held hands and walked, she looked at me and said, "Daddy, some day I will be married." I said, "Yes, you will, sweetheart." I then asked her, "How will you know who you are supposed to marry?" She said, "You and mommy will help decide," and then she giggled. As her father, I am called by God to be the biggest man in her life until her husband earns her love and my approval. Every girl needs a Christian daddy who loves her, snuggles with her, encourages her, compliments her, protects her, and enjoys "daddy dates" with her where they go out to have fun together.

Furthermore, throughout Proverbs (e.g., chapters 2, 5, and 7) the father also speaks very frankly to his son about hot women with necklines that plunge down to hell. Rather than encouraging pastor_dad, the wise father encourages his son who is not built for abstinence to get married young and enjoy his wife's body. The wise father knows that the ultimate goal for his son is a faithful marriage, and so he encourages his son's sexual desires toward marriage.

To best protect his children from folly and harm, a father must teach his children how to repent of their sin. In Job 1:1-4 we are told that Job was a noble man who loved God and walked blamelessly because he continually confessed his sins to God. Job's children occasionally threw parties, and Job was so concerned about their possible sin that he would repent on their behalf. Job 1:5 says,

When the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them [his children], and he would rise early in the morning [he dealt with things quickly] and offer burnt offerings [this is worship] according to the number of them all. For Job said, "It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts." Thus Job did continually.

Job was a wonderful father. Job knew what his children were doing, he knew when it was possible that sin had occurred, and he confessed the probable sin before the sun came up the next morning. Perhaps the worst thing a father can do to very young children when they have sinned is send them to their room without instruction about why they are going there. If they have not been taught how to repent of sin and ask God for a changed heart, they will see their time as either punishment or playtime. This is because if they don't know how to confess, repent, and pray, they don't know what to do about their sin. You're just punishing them. What a father should do is repent for his children and thereby model for them how to deal with sin.

I'll give you an example from when Zac was two. To be honest, he is usually a wonderful son and I enjoy him immensely and we are very close. Still, one day he was not obeying, he was not being respectful, he was tormenting his sister, and he was overwhelming his mother. When I walked in the door from work, my wife and daughter looked as if they had just run a marathon. When I disciplined him, it just increased his anger and defiance. His attitude grew meaner until he tried to punch me, a move Proverbs refers to as folly that is bound up in the heart of a child. Ephesians 6:4 came to mind, and I felt that I was exasperating my son. As I prayed, God brought Job 1:5 to mind, and so I picked up my son, who was thrashing his body wildly, and carried him upstairs so we could be alone.

I lay down on my bed with my son on my chest and held him as I began to pray for him. The first thing I prayed for was that the Holy Spirit would come and convict Zac of his sins. I then prayed that Jesus would take the anger out of his heart and give him a new heart of love and obedience. I then started repenting of Zac's sins for him, naming each of them he had committed that day in great detail. As I held him, I rubbed his back, which calmed him down, and I asked God to forgive him for his sins and give me wisdom to be a good father.

My son broke in a way I had never seen. His crying was so deep that he heaved on my chest for over ten minutes, covering me in his tears and having difficulty breathing through his crying. He was repentant, and he was broken. He realized that he was sinning against his family and he was sinning against God. He also realized that I was responsible for him and that he was implicating me in his sin. Eventually, he lifted his head to look me in the eye and said, "Daddy, I'm sorry."

I am not claiming to be a genius, but I am claiming that the Bible is both true and helpful. In Romans 2:4 Paul teaches that it is God's kindness that breaks our heart and brings us to repentance. What this means is that fathers are to lovingly lead their children toward heartfelt repentance of sin. If children will not repent of their sin, then their father, like Job, should repent for them with tender kindness that loves them until they change by grace through the ministry of the Holy Spirit. As parents repent of their sins and the sins of their children, they are training their children in repentance so that as the children get older, the gospel becomes their natural and heartfelt response.

Children who are loved, instructed, corrected, provided for, and repentant when they sin live sweeter lives. Proverbs 24:13-14 says, "My son, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste. Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off." Fathers who have done their jobs well have hope for the future because their children have acquired a taste for wisdom, which they enjoy as much as candy. Therefore, a wise father will cultivate an appetite for wisdom that leads to joyous living, so that as the child ages there is ever-growing hope for increased wisdom and joy.

The joy of wisdom not only tastes sweet to the child, but tastes sweet to the father as well. Proverbs 23:15-16 says, "My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right." Nothing is sweeter to a father than seeing his own children grow in wisdom, speak their own biblical convictions, and articulate their personal love for Jesus.

Lastly, Proverbs 23:24-25 says, "The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice." Hope, gladness, rejoicing, joy, delighting—these are the goals every father has for his relationship with his children. The means to these ends are God's grace and dads who know how to use it in the cultivation of their children in the Lord as they wrestle, take walks, swing, cuddle, pray, swim, play catch, and laugh together.