chapter 7
answers to common questions
I have tried to lay a reasonable theological and practical framework for our discussion of pornography and masturbation. But, I know there are some men with lingering particular questions. To help answer those questions I will share my answers to some of the more common questions I receive from God's men on these matters.
Question: If I cannot stop looking at porno and masturbating, should I disconnect my Internet connection and get some roommates to live with for accountability?
Answer: Again, the problem is in your heart and not in your Internet provider. Paul is clear in Colossians 2:20–23 that legalistic man-made rules may sound helpful but in the end are worthless in restraining sin because they only address outward behaviors while neglecting inward causes. It may be wise for some men to not have cable television or an unfiltered internet provider, but unless their heart changes, they will simply rearrange the flesh and stop one sin to begin another, such as being proud of their morality once they have stopped looking at porno. Whatever you do, begin with your heart.
Question: Is it a sin to have a wet dream?
Answer: Men who have erotic dreams must first be sure that they are not spending their days filling their minds with images that rattle around their imagination as they dream at night. They should also pray before they sleep each night that God would protect them from the enemy inside of them (their flesh) and the enemy outside of them (the devil). But, if a man should have a wet dream after taking precautions to not lust, there is little he can do to prevent this from happening. For some men, a wet dream is simply the body's way of relieving itself and may be little more than a natural biological function.
Question: Is it a sin to notice that a woman is beautiful?
Answer: No. Genesis 12:10–14 says that Sarai was beautiful, despite the fact that she was quite old. Some women are lovely and to recognize this fact is, in itself, not a sin. However, recognizing a woman's beauty does become a sin when a man lusts after that beautiful woman and begins to undress her in his mind.
Question: What can I do to stop being sexually tempted?
Answer: Hebrews 4:15 tells us that Jesus was tempted in every way as we are, yet he did not sin. Because Jesus was a fully human virgin male, we can safely assume that some of the temptations he faced were sexual in nature. But Jesus never gave into those temptations and is our sinless and perfect God. So, it is not a sin to be tempted, but it is a sin to give into temptation. We must accept that in a fallen and sinful world, we will continually face varying kinds of sexual temptation but must learn, like Joseph, to run from it.
Question: At what age should a father speak to his son about these issues?
Answer: A Christian father should be the first person to speak with his son about these issues. The best age to discuss these matters varies from son to son but if a father is going to error he should error on the side of bringing up the matter too soon rather than too late. Simply, ensuring the lines of communication are open and honest between a father and son is paramount. A father must vigilantly remain aware of the questions and curiosities of his son(s) and speak with frank and masculine biblical wisdom like the dad in Proverbs. Lastly, a godly father should never shame or embarrass his son while speaking on this subject, but treat him as an emerging fellow man. As a general rule, since the average son sees his first porn by age eleven, by age ten a father should start speaking to his son about sexual issues as the beginning point for an ongoing dialogue. This conversation needs to be ongoing and not a one-time event.
Question: When I get married won't that cure my lust problems?
Answer: No. Satan did not even show up to tempt Adam until he had a wife. Many men simply kill their sexuality before marriage and once they are married, their desires awaken in full force. Consequently, once you have been married long enough to learn how to please a woman and be adventurous, you will likely find your desires for sexual sin increase rather than decrease, unless you have disciplined yourself to channel all of those desires solely to your wife.
Question: Should I tell my wife if I look at pornography and/or masturbate?
Answer: Yes, you are sinning against her and your sin is affecting other aspects of your marriage and causing her to suffer, though she may not know why. Right now your sin is growing because it is hiding in darkness, and by confessing it to her and asking for her forgiveness you will be bringing it into the light, where it can be forgiven and healed. When you do confess to your wife, please be careful to not blame her for your sin, but accept responsibility as the head of your home for your condition and the condition of your home.
Question: Isn't looking at porno and masturbating an acceptable alternative to adultery or divorce if sex with my wife is terrible, infrequent, and/or unsatisfying?
Answer: First Corinthians 11:7 says that your wife is a reflection of your leadership. If your sex life is not satisfying, then it is your responsibility whether or not it is entirely your fault because you are the head of your wife (Eph. 5:23). Therefore, rather than excusing your sin, you should repent of your sin and the condition of your home and seek counsel from your pastor(s) and/or professional Christian counselor(s) on how to be about redemption, like Jesus, rather than blame-shifting, like Adam.
