Chapter 6

Instruction Followed by Correction

In Proverbs 4:1-2 the father says, "Hear, O sons, a father's instruction, and be attentive, that you may gain insight, for I give you good precepts; do not forsake my teaching." Throughout Proverbs we see the wise and loving father continually teaching his children, and his teaching is very practical and integrated into the teachable moments that invariably come up through the course of each day.

In this way, every dad spends his time with his children like Jesus did with his disciples, making the most of every opportunity to teach through the providentially provided moments of life. This is also a sharp rebuke to those fathers who rob the Scriptures of their joy by teaching in a cruel or overly regimented and legalistic manner. One little girl I know who has this type of father lamented prayer and Bible study time with her dad because it took so long and was so structured that she could see no value in it. This sort of fatherly instruction is not merely a failure, it is also a sin.

To be a good teacher, dad should use his imagination, particularly when his children are small. A wise dad makes up fun Bible questions for the kids to answer and buys props and secondhand clothes so that his children can dress up in costumes and act out the Bible stories with full drama while he serves as the narrator.

A wise dad may realize that a personal quiet time for himself is unwise; rather than hiding away in a quiet place to read the Bible, it is often best to do so in the noisy living room where the kids can see and climb on their dad while he reads his Bible. Also, if dad frequently has his Bible open, his children will be more likely to ask him questions about God and life because they see that he possesses answers from God's Word.

Additionally, a wise father has a good set of Bible reference books on the shelf or software on the computer. In addition to using such resources himself, he teaches his children how to use them so that they too can enjoy studying Scripture and growing in wisdom and knowledge as Jesus did when a boy. For example, as a pastor I have my books and study at home rather than at the church for this very reason. It has been wonderful to see my children borrow my books. The first to do so was my oldest child, Ashley, who at age nine borrowed my commentaries on Ruth to study the book during her summer break. She also likes reading the biographies from my library.

Proverbs 1:4 says that says the book was written "to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth." While fathers must avoid dumping too much spiritual expectation on their children, they must also avoid expecting too little of them. As a new father, I was amazed to see my first two children begin praying on their own to Jesus at eighteen months of age, and the other three have followed suit. The first time Ashley prayed on her own was when I was lying in bed sick, and she put her hand on me and prayed for my healing because she had seen her mother do the same thing. At the young age of two, my son Zachariah would bring me his kids' Bible and ask me to read for extended periods of time, as his mind was fascinated with the images of war, kings, dragons, swords, shepherd boys, and miracles. As I read to him about Goliath, Nebuchadnezzar, and Pharaoh, he kept asking questions about why they did not love God, and we began discussing very significant theology together at the tender age of two. This same pattern has continued with each of our children.

A wise father follows the example of Proverbs and repeats himself often because children are prone to forgetfulness. Proverbs 13:1 says, "A wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke." Proverbs 19:27 says, "Cease to hear instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge." And Proverbs 23:19 says, "Hear, my son, and be wise, and direct your heart in the way." To accomplish this, a father must not only instruct, he must make sure that his kids don't mock him. He must make sure that they don't stray from his teaching, but instead keep on the right path. Some men wrongly think that because they have taught something once to their children, it will stick forever. But instruction is not a onetime event, but rather a lifetime endeavor. This explains why Proverbs often repeats the same themes and even the same verses. Children need repetition.

In addition to instruction, a father must discipline his children. Instruction comes first, and then comes discipline. Some men spank their kids and their kids don't know why, which is atrocious. A father must first teach his children what they are to do and not do, then teach them consequences if they disobey, and then enforce his teaching so that they do not consider him a liar. This is exactly how God works with us. In Genesis he told Adam, "Don't eat from this tree or you will die." God was very simple and very clear about the command and the consequence if it was disobeyed. The purpose of discipline is not to punish children but to correct them. Since Jesus died for sin, to punish children for sin would be to give them a false gospel. Furthermore, correction is not to be done in anger, violence, or retribution, but must be loving and calm to associate negative consequences with sin as a loving incentive for the children to choose holiness.

Through discipline, the father is seeking to cultivate his children so that they can become self-disciplined and not continually need a wooden spoon or jail cell to keep them in line. Proverbs 3:11-12 says, "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights." The principle here is that only those people who lovingly delight in their children have earned the right to discipline them. Fathers who don't delight in and love their children while disciplining them are just being mean and angry and violent. Proverbs 13:24 says, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." A father must be careful to discipline his children. Proverbs 23:13-14 says, "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol." The issue is this: If you wait too long to discipline your children, they may die before they are corrected, and then all hope is extinguished by tragic circumstances, like what happened to my high school friend whose funeral I attended because of her drug overdose. Another example of the consequences of lack of discipline comes from my mom, who worked as a secretary at a public high school where teenage girls wore surveillance monitors on their legs because they were under constant police scrutiny. According to Proverbs, someone should have disciplined these girls while there was more hope for them to live self-disciplined lives.

Some fathers wait too long to teach and correct their children and then try to fly in like a superhero at the last minute to save the day. Their children often pepper such fathers with questions about why they have been negligent and why the child should listen to what they now demand, since no loving relationship has been built. Proverbs 29:17 says, "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." That's what a godly father deeply desires. You want discipline that causes peace between you and your children so you can delight in and enjoy your children.

Fathers must do this without pushing the entire burden onto their wives. While mom is home with the children teaching and disciplining each day, there is a propensity for the father to come home from work and refuse to discipline the children, either because he's tired or because he tries to be the good and fun parent, thus painting mom as the bad and mean parent. In these homes, mom will discipline the kids for getting out of control only to have dad overrule her and tell the kids to do whatever they want. These fathers wrongly think that they are loving their kids, because their kids really like them. But their kids only like them in the same way an alcoholic likes a liquor store. A wise father gives his children what they need, which is not always what they want. Rather than being complicit in anarchy, a wise father honors the mother of his children so that they will also honor her.